I turn 37 today. 

I woke up alone. Frustrated for being a total jerk the last 24 hours and embarrassing myself in front of friends and family.  

I got up early and went for a hike to digest and ponder. I let the truth hit me every step of the way. 

The reason I am alone is because…

I get mad too quickly

I take things way too personal

I get jealous

I say/do things with no thought, just pure emotion

I self-sabotage

I’m rude

I don’t blame others for not wanting to be around me. No one wants to be around a person with those attributes.

I’ve asked myself MANY times, WHY do I do what I do in the heat of a moment?  Why do I self-sabotage? Why do I think I’m the biggest piece of shit ever? Why do I pick fights?

I always trace it back to my childhood trauma of never feeling good enough, always needing to prove myself, just to fit in, feel accepted, and not shamed. (Religion/community played a major role in my feeling this way) 

If you’re reading this, and I have ever been rude to you. I sincerely apologize. 

To MYSELF. I am writing this and posting it publicly because I need to hold myself more accountable. I am SICK of feeling the way I feel. And if I turn 40 and I’m still single and depressed, then that means I have not done the work to change. AND it means I have wasted more time being a loser and not winning!

Happy Birthday/ Wake Up Call to myself. May this be the last Birthday I am alone.