I turn 37 today.
I woke up alone. Frustrated for being a total jerk the last 24 hours and embarrassing myself in front of friends and family.
I got up early and went for a hike to digest and ponder. I let the truth hit me every step of the way.
The reason I am alone is because…
I get mad too quickly
I take things way too personal
I get jealous
I say/do things with no thought, just pure emotion
I self-sabotage
I’m rude
I don’t blame others for not wanting to be around me. No one wants to be around a person with those attributes.
I’ve asked myself MANY times, WHY do I do what I do in the heat of a moment? Why do I self-sabotage? Why do I think I’m the biggest piece of shit ever? Why do I pick fights?
I always trace it back to my childhood trauma of never feeling good enough, always needing to prove myself, just to fit in, feel accepted, and not shamed. (Religion/community played a major role in my feeling this way)
If you’re reading this, and I have ever been rude to you. I sincerely apologize.
To MYSELF. I am writing this and posting it publicly because I need to hold myself more accountable. I am SICK of feeling the way I feel. And if I turn 40 and I’m still single and depressed, then that means I have not done the work to change. AND it means I have wasted more time being a loser and not winning!
Happy Birthday/ Wake Up Call to myself. May this be the last Birthday I am alone.